Colossians 3:18-4:1 – Household Relationships

Let’s look at what Paul has to say here in Colossians concerning the working of Christian households.

You will notice that each member of the household has a responsibility for how they should behave toward the others. These are not conditional. A wife is to submit even if her husband doesn’t love her or is harsh with her. A husband is to gently love his wife, even if she does not submit to his authority.

Here are the behaviors Paul lays out for us all.

Wives: submit = Husbands: love gently
Children: obey = Fathers (parents): do not provoke
Slaves: obey = Masters: treat justly and fairly

Let’s look at each of these in turn. Realize that these instructions are given because these are things we naturally, in our sin nature, have difficulty doing. If these actions were natural to us, God would have no need to command us to behave this way, we would do so on our own. God gives these instructions because they are good and are part of his will, but go against our sin nature.

Wives: submit

What does it mean for a wife to submit to her husband? Does that mean she has no voice in family decisions, but that he rules with absolute authority?

The word submit, or submission, carries a negative connotation in our American mind. The word means

to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person

It carries with it the idea of being governed by, and subject to the authority. Our American culture tells us not to submit to authority, but to stand up for ourselves. To fight for our rights. This makes it difficult for families to function the way God intended.

In the Greek, the word is primarily a military term which means to rank under another officer, to know your place in the authority structure of the army and to accept the authority of those who rank above you.

This does not mean you are a slave. It does not mean you have no authority. It simply means the husband is the head of the household and you are to accept his rank as above yours.

Paul goes on to say that such an authority structure is proper and is the way the Lord intended it to be.

In the passage in Ephessians, Paul likens the wife’s submission to that of the church submitting to the headship of Christ.

Husbands: love gently

Husbands are told to love their wives. This is the same word we have looked at previously and we defined it as self-sacrificial love. Love that thinks of others first, sacrifices it’s own desires, and is characterized by action. Guys, I think we may have gotten the more difficult job!

Not only is the husband to love selflessly, he is also told not to be harsh. He is not to concern himself with her submission, not to become irritated by her lack of submission, not to force her to submit, but to love her sacrificially and unconditionally.

In Ephessians, Paul says the husband is to love the wife the same way Christ loved and gave himself on the cross for the church.

Granted, if the husband loves the wife sacrificially, it makes it easier for her to submit. If she is submissive, it makes it easier for him to love her. But neither is exempt if the other fails in their duty.

Our duty is to fulfill the role God has given us and leave God to deal with the one who doesn’t. A spouse can, and should, pray for their spouse that God would instruct them and work in their heart to obey his directives. Don’t try to force your wife to submit. Don’t try to force (or coerce) your husband to love sacrificially. It just won’t work. Worry about your own heart and pray for your spouse.

Children: obey

Literally this means “to hear under.” Which is to say, listen and obey, or comply with a command, submit to an authority, or carry out orders. This is the same word used in Mark 4:41, when Jesus commands the storm to stop. He says “Peace! Be still!” and the wind stops, the waves are calmed. Then the disciples are afraid because “even the wind and sea obey him.” They heard his command, and they carried out his orders.

Children are to obey “in everything.” No exemptions. Yes, your first obedience is to God, but God has just commanded that you obey your parents. So obeying God involves obeying your parents. The early American preacher John Wesley said that we should refrain from doing anything our parents forbid or even disapprove of, unless the thing the prohibit is expressly commanded by God. Conversely we should everything they command and desire, provided what they command is not contrary to the law of God.

If your parents command you to do something contrary to Scripture then you would need to obey God and not men, but it will be very, very, very, very, very rarely that this situation will come up, even with unbelieving parents. And, if you have been obedient and respectful (more on that in a minute) in all other things, they should be willing to hear an appeal in those rare instances where there truly is a conflict.

For the most part we’re talking about picking up your room, making your bed, helping out around the house, being quiet when they tell you, taking out the trash, etc.

I just finished reading a book about raising children called Family Driven Faith. The author made a couple points that are good and I want to share them with you.

First, obedience should be instant. If your parent tells you to do something and you argue about the timing, you are being disobedient. If they have to tell you multiple times, say your full name, or count to three, you’re being disobedient. Delayed obedience, is disobedience. The same is true of our relationship with our heavenly father. Delaying to do something you know he has commanded of you, is disobedience. You are being rebellious and doing what you desire first, and then what he desires later. So when your folks ask you to clean the kitchen after dinner, just do it right then. Don’t delay and say “I’ll do it in a minute, let me finish this ,,, first.” if you do that, you’re just not obeying.

Second, when you obey, do so with a respectful attitude. In the parallel passage in Ephessians, Paul quotes Exodus 20:12

Honor your father and you mother, that you days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

What might honoring your parents look like?

Not huffing, not slamming the door, not grumbling, not delaying, not pretending to obey and then doing something different behind their back, etc.

Notice that Paul says it pleases the Lord for you to obey in this way. If you want to please God, obey your parents.

Fathers (parents): do not provoke

This command is given specifically to father’s as the head of the house and the one primarily responsible for discipline and instruction of the children, but it applies to both parents. In fact, this Greek word is used at times to refer to both parents (Heb 11:23). Most of the time it simply means “father.”

The parents are here instructed not to “provoke” their children. This doesn’t mean that if the child becomes angry, it is the parent’s fault. It means the parent should not deliberately make the child angry or annoyed. They should discipline and instruct, as Paul says in Ephessians, but not in such a way as to purposefully antagonize the child. This causes only discouragement in the child. The child will loose heart, their spirit will be broken.

Slaves: obey

The injunction to slaves is the same as that to children. Obedience in everything, for the purpose of pleasing of God, not man. This is especially difficult for one who is a servant or slave. Paul says here though that this kind of obedience should be undertaken knowing that ultimately you are a servant of Christ and he will reward you justly.

V25 has given me some pause. As I pondered this verse and what it was saying I came to understand it differently than I had first thought. On first reading I thought it was saying that the slave’s master would later be punished for his wrongdoing, I’ve come to see though that it is related to the slave’s behavior and is saying that if you don’t act as though you are serving Christ, but instead rail against your earthly master and disobey, or act against your master, you will be punished for that wrongdoing, and there will be no excuses because of the fact that you were a slave.

Though slavery still exists, not many of us in America are likely to find ourselves in this situation. The principle holds true though. Whether it is your father, your teacher, your boss, a policeman, or any other authority, we should obey as though we are serving Christ. All authority is his, and any earthly authority rules by his consent. Therefore to disobey and/or dishonor them, is to disobey and dishonor Christ.

No excuses will be valid. We might say, “but my dad isn’t a Christian” or “my teacher isn’t a Christian” or “it’s unfair or unjust” but God says, “obey them as if you were obeying me.”

Peter addresses this issue as well in 1 Peter 2 & 3. He says that slaves should obey even unjust masters because it is “a gracious thing in the sight of God” when you endure suffering for doing good and don’t repay it with evil. He goes on to say that wives should honor and submit to their husbands, especially if they are unbelievers, so that “they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives – when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

For those of you who have unbelieving parents, this is a lesson you should take to heart. Witness to them without words, by obeying and honoring them as if you were serving Christ.

Masters: treat justly and fairly

Notice that Paul did not council masters to give their slaves charity. Justice and equity are so much more than charity. One commentator said that

Charity likes to come in and supply wants which would never have been felt had there been equity.¹

Slaves in that day were very common. In fact, some scholars estimate that over half the population were slaves in the Roman Empire. Many were slaves not because they were born to it, but because they got themselves in debt and had to become slaves, or bondservants, for a time (possibly the rest of their life) in order to work off the debt. Paul is here instructing the masters not to take advantage, but to credit the slaves account fairly.

Even if someone was a slave by birth, if the master treated them justly and fairly compensated them for their work, they would, in time, be able to purchase their freedom.

This advice from Paul flew in the face of the cultural norm, which was to take advantage and keep the slave in bondage as long as possible so the master could live a life of ease and comfort without laboring himself.

I hope that none of us ever own slaves and need to take this advice literally. We can learn from the principle though. If you find yourself in a position of authority, with others serving under you, this is how you are to treat them.

Do not take advantage of your authority. Treat your subordinates with justice and make sure they are fairly compensated for their labor.

Conclusion

None of you are husbands, wives, slaves, or masters, or yet parents, but you all are children. Apply then Paul’s instruction to children this week. When you leave here and go home, purpose in your heart to obey your parents in all things. Purpose to study and pay attention and learn, what pleases and displeases them. Purpose to do nothing whatsoever that displeases them.

Look upon your father and mother which new eyes; see them as representing your Father which is in heaven: Endeavour, study, rejoice to please, to help, to obey them in all things: Behave not barely as their child, but as their servant for Christ’s sake.²

 

 

¹ Curtis Vaughan, The Expositor’s Bible Commentary p220
² John Wesley, The Works of John Wesley, Vol 7, p108